It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
You Might Also Like
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Don’t touch that.
October already? What’s next? November????
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.