Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of