We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.