Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.