Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You Might Also Like
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
DOOO EEEET
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…