Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.