[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.