[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You Might Also Like
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-