You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone