IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
No regrets in 2018
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.