We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I just ran a .003048K
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
congratulations to them
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.