Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
So we got a goldfish…
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️