If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”