Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My dad teaching me to drive
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️