Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.