Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Has science gone too far?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!