things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.