Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
work smarter, not harder
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet