The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”