I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
You Might Also Like
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right