doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.