scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?