Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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c’mon!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers