62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
THIS HEADLINE
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Thank you corporation very cool
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”