announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
You Might Also Like
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Seems kinda suspicious
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.