To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa