HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify