Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.