DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“TGIM!” – My liver
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Just a friendly reminder!
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles