Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?