Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
#catsoftwitter
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”