Sign at work today
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
not to brag, but mine was free
pep talk
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.