[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.