Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
dutch is not a serious language
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.