The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
saw this in a dream
Meeeee too!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.