If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
We’re all getting idioter.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*