Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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