If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Got ya covered
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.