Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*orders delivery*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”