Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Tuesday
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food