Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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selfie game
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.