my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
🤣
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?