Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair