Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.