Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The answer is funnier than the question
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.