Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Cannot stop laughing at this
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Just had my nails done!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.