*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
normalize having existential bread
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.