I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Barbie gone wild
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
who wants to go expliring
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.