“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
not seeing the problem
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”