The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
good let them take over I have had enough
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
This is my brand.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.